It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
