I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I will pee on everything he values.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
