Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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