I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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