I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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