The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
