Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
