my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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