you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
