my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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