life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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