I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
