Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So much Jack, so little girl.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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