4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
