When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
