saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
