Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
