So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
