he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
