I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
