You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize