Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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