I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
