happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
how does that bad decision feel?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize