if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
