Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
