Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
