where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
