What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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