Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
