I could have mohawked her pubes.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
