so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
