Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
