Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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