Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
