Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
