thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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