How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
