is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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