just come out here and I will go home with you...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
