you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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