Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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