I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
