I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
