A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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