I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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