I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
