i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
