That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
