Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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