She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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