Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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