yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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