I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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