I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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