Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
