So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
