I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize