I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
