Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
