GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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