Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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