Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
