Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize